(October 25, 2011) – Like the S&M version of Mary Poppins, Lisa Vanderpump strutted onto the stage of last night’s episode of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to whip Adrienne Maloof into shape with a cooking lesson. And as we watched the Bravo version of Iron Chef, we saw Adrienne fretting to give Chef Dominitrix everything she requests – salt, pepper, herbs! – but nothing is quite good enough for the unforgiving mistress of gastronomy, who criticized Adrienne’s every move.
“I hope she knows her way around the bedroom better than she does around the kitchen – for Paul’s sake,” Lisa told us, dismissing Adrienne’s culinary prowess, while calling into attention her bedroom skills because “there, categorically, is no hope for Adrienne Maloof in the kitchen.”
But thank you Jesus, Adrienne has a spy lurking in the shadows. There in the mist, we can see Chef Bernie who has, thus far, seemed overly invested in the Reality TV drama with his four-star beef directed, with a steely glaze at, Lisa. But now, after last night’s episode, we can finally understand why he loathes Lisa so: she’s a cranky dame who likes to make cooking look like a task that was designed by sadists to make their subordinates look and feel foolish.
Clearly Lisa should not expect to be launched into the food stratosphere as the next Giada de Laurentiis. Ms. Vanderpump is just not forgiving enough for the Food Network. The sad thing is that as we watched this disapproving school marm-naughty pupil scenario, we suddenly realized that a visit to Villa Blanca seems less appealing than it once did, back when we were charmed by Pinky, her obedient husband, and her clothes-horse of a lap dog.
We just wonder how Melissa Gorga would take Lisa Vanderpump’s opinions of Adrienne. If she is no good in the kitchen and her skills in the bedroom are called into question, is an adult woman merely reduced to judgment about how ladylike she behaves in the parlor?
If she is, Kim and Kyle Richards have lots of explaining to do for how they behaved during their parlor mind games at Dana Wilkey’s house, especially because last night they seemed to require that Brandi Glanville apologize for being a victim of their hateful antics during Game Night, when they viciously attacked her. But we’ll get to that in another post, when we are feeling more ladylike ourselves.