God Rest Ye Merry Housewives

(December 23, 2011) – It looks like we’re going to have a big break from the Housewives over the next two weeks while Bravo goes on a mini hiatus for Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

Beverly Hills will return on January 2nd, Atlanta on the 8th and those blond ladies in Coto de Cazes will be back for season 7 on February 7th with Heather Dubrow, the new token brunette that the suits at 30 Rock are so proud of themselves for casting in contrast to their posse of highlighted housewives.

It all makes us wonder if the return of Vicki Gunvalson and the rest of the Orange County women on a Tuesday night will mean that very soon we are going to have three nights in a row of Housewives, or if Beverly Hills will finish its second season by then.

Although we really don’t want to see the Rodeo Drive crowd leave just yet, the truth is we’re not sure we can function in our real lives if we’re left watching and blogging about three episodes a week. We are positive we won’t be joining Andy Cohen in the Clubhouse Monday through Friday, unless he is smart enough to discuss our eccentric ladies on every episode of Watch What Happens Live, regardless of who his guests are.

We cannot imagine that many other people will be tuning in that frequently if he doesn’t give us all a dose of Phaedra Parks or Lisa Vanderpump every time he tries to lure us in with his drinking games. It’s not that we dislike Tabitha or think Top Chef is a bore. We just cannot imagine spending a half hour, five times a week to discuss either show or Chef Roble for that matter. Until we know how Andy will deal with expanding his show throughout the work week, we’ll just focus on what we can expect when Bravo returns from its vacation.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Judging from the preview videos Bravo is using to tease us about this series’s return on January 2nd, the entire focus of the upcoming episode is the absence of Taylor and Kim from the gang’s trip to Hawaii where they’re celebrating Mauricio’s birthday.

Presumably Taylor will not be there because neither she nor Russell are welcome to join the group of women who are potential lawsuit victims of the Armstrong’s endless legal threats. We say that because we are nearly positive that both Russell and Taylor would gladly hop on a plane if they were encouraged to put their differences aside and enjoy a Hawaiian vacation on Bravo’s dime. After all during the last episode the couple stood there unfazed as a large group of their colleagues prevented them from entering Kyle’s White Party. If we had switched places with them, we would have sprinted away from the party, literally mortified that we were shunned from partying with our good friend, Kyle.

It’s anyone’s guess why Kim was not there on time. At first she said her license was expired and she could not find her passport, and as a result could not provide the identification necessary to board the plane. Then she said she could not find her keys. We suspect it is all true. We believe that she not only lost her keys and  ID, she’s probably lost her mind too and we’d guess from the preview that we’ll probably never see her during the next episode at all, but we can see online photos of her and Ken in Maui during June 2011 when these scenes were filmed.

So big deal! She was late. We cannot say we actually like this woman, especially after this week’s episode when she irrationally attacked Brandi, but seriously what rational person cares that she was late?

We also wonder why Kim would even try to go. Kyle is not nice to Kim. She talks smack about her endlessly. Kyle loathes Kim’s boyfriend and is not shy about telling anyone who will listen that Kim is an alcoholic who is only dating Ken because she is lonely and responds amorously when anyone is nice to her.

If Kyle were our sister, we would not be going on vacation with her either. If Kim were our sister we would not be surprised by how erratically she behaves. This is how Kim has always behaved. The only question we have is why Kyle thinks Kim’s presence is so crucial to their enjoying Mauricio’s birthday. The way their airport scene plays out in the preview you’d think one of them were suffering from cancer and Kim had the cure. She’s erratic. She’s late. She’s going to miss the flight. Why do these people focus on Kim so much? She’s rarely at any event. Why is this trip such a crucial get together?

We really don’t like watching Lisa talk about Brandi’s bikini. We like Lisa and we don’t enjoy hearing her sound so jealous that Brandi looks cute in a tiny bikini. Sure we can see that Brandi is way too skinny. But we couldn’t care less about that. She looks healthy and even if she didn’t, why in the world would we care if the thong straps is too far up her butt? Brandi looking good or half nude doesn’t affect how we look even slightly. And even if we looked worse in comparison, we simply do not care even in the slightest. Our insecurities are not Brandi’s responsibility. Lisa would sound far more sane and far more secure if she just let Brandi be Brandi and had enough confidence to know that nothing Brandi does diminishes who Lisa is.

We’re guessing that the big reveal during the next episode will come when Taylor calls Kyle and Lisa to reveal, “My marriage is over!” That hardly sounds like an effective teaser when people all over the world know that Taylor filed for divorce from her husband Russell two months before he committed suicide in August.

We want to believe that this clumsy editing is a result of the legally precarious place Bravo found itself in when Russell hanged himself. But we wonder if that is the truth. We think it is far more likely, at this point, that the network simply has no idea how to splice the scenes together to create a believable or compelling plot. Of course we’ll continue to watch until it gets its sea legs back. They’re in a tough position that, as far as we can tell, is unprecedented in Reality TV.

 

Real Housewives of Atlanta
NeNe sits down with Marlo who tells us she is not worried that there are rumors all over the internet about NeNe and Charles Grant. Marlo knows everyone has a past and she admits she has her own. She says she is not concerned even slightly that everyone will soon know that she herself has been arrested seven times. NeNe doesn’t seem like that arrest record is going to escape her judgment. Truthfully we don’t really care about that. But holy moly check out Marlo’s shoes!

We also love high heels. And we actually own a pair of $20 lucite stripper shoes we bought in TJ Maxx on a whim. But we’d never ever wear them out of the house. Still despite our differences, we like it that Marlo is so forthcoming about her past. We just wish Shereé were as self-accepting. If she were, we wouldn’t be so interested in her leaving the show and Marlo entering it, front and center.

In another scene, Cynthia and Peter are in therapy with the pastor who married them. Their pastor wants them to start out by enumerating what they love about each other. Cynthia is okay with that entrance into the conversation.

She says she loves that Peter seems strong and always looks for a way to get things done. Peter, on the other hand, doesn’t want to focus on what he loves about Cynthia. He wants to talk about their problems. We’re very curious to know why it is so hard for Peter to admit what he loves about his wife. We get it that some people are not into saying they love someone. We don’t really understand it. But we know that these people exist. But in therapy? How can you agree to go into couple’s counseling and find it so hard to express that you love a woman you married?

Real Housewives of Orange County
Heather Dubrow, the newest housewife is introduced. She seems so normal and so rational. She migrated to California to pursue acting opportunities. She got married, had children and sounds like she’s perfectly sane. We wonder how long that will last.

The original housewife Vicki Gunvalson will be back in Coto de Cazes. Please correct us if we are wrong, but doesn’t it seem like she has a new face? We mean no malice in mentioning that. She looks good. If she had some work done, she did her doctor research well. She looks better.

Vicki tells us that in the upcoming season we will watch as she is transitioning from her marriage to Don. She’s selling her house. She has a new boyfriend, a “Mississippi Man.” And she is giving us a house tour of the home she shared with her husband and children, which is now on the market.

We suspect this tour of Chateau Vicki was filmed months, if not years ago. On the tour we learn that Vicki and her daughter Brianna share an interest in the bible. Vicki reads scripture in her bedroom. Brianna wanted her room decorated with angels and bible verses. Neither woman seems particularly religious, let alone spiritually inclined. But what do we know?

The only thing we know for sure is that Gretchen – who is now calling herself Gretchen Christine – is trying as hard as she can to figure out how to make Reality TV attention work for her and Slade. We hate to say this, but she looks like a drag queen with tons of make up in her preview video. She is such a pretty girl, by anyone’s definition of the word pretty. That much make up is confusing to us because it looks desperate. And the revelation that she and Slade have created a comedy routine at the Improv gives us confidence that we are not wrong about the level of Gretchen’s desperation. Still we like her because, after all of these years watching her, we know she is relentlessly cheerful. We like that. What we don’t like is Slade and his grasping shenanigans. We hope she escapes, finds someone decent and continues to enjoy her life. She deserves it.

Still we hope she expands her vocabulary beyond the word “nice.” In her house tour she tells us she has a “nice” fireplace, “nice” television and “nice” dinnerware. She tells us she spends the majority of her time in her bathroom. She wants us to believe she always puts rose pedals in her bathtub with candles, even when she is not about to bathe.

Alexis Bellino is promising we’ll see her fast paced life getting even more hectic. Her children are about to enter kindergarten. Far as we can tell that is the biggest change we can expect to see in her life. But again, what do we know? Maybe her clothing line is about to explode. During Alexis’s hour tour we learn she owns, but cannot play a baby grand piano. No worries though. (We know you were sweating this one.) It’s a player piano in commemoration of Steinway’s 300th anniversary. She has a movie theater. She has Versace dinnerware which she tells us women understand; Jim does not. (Neither do we.)

Please forgive us. We think this woman is vapid and appears to be more or less nude for her house tour, despite the fact that she is actually wearing a long sleeved dress. Still despite how vapid we think Jesus Barbie is, she is utterly fascinating to us and we’re grateful to Bravo for finding her in the sea of blonds that we know Orange County is not (because we’ve been there many times), but still we like Alexis because she’s relentlessly shallow, at least to these Manhattan eyes.

Finally, Tamra is thinking about moving on from her heinous marriage and in with Eddie, her Latino-hot boyfriend. She tells us she’s trying to be an independent woman. During her house tour, Tamra shows us around her place. She’s just moved in so there is not much to see – which oddly enough, we like.

We like seeing a raw space. And we admire Tamra for showing us where she lives without feeling the need to fluff it up in advance of the camera’s arrival. (We would never, ever allow this which is why we like it so much.)

From the house tour, we learn Tamra has “an obsession” with crosses. She cannot wait to fill the house with crosses. We think it is hilarious that her daughter Sophia put boots in the refrigerator. If that was staged, we are disgusted. If it is not, we find it adorable. And we think it is a comical contrast to Tamra and all of the “Louies” she calls our attention to in her closet.

Strangely we are not at all looking forward to returning to Orange County for season 7. We suspect this cast is stale. While many people dislike Vicki, we do not. We are just not interested in watching her try to make insurance a sexy business. Let’s face it: it is not. We don’t really care about her new boyfriend. We would be interested in checking in with Brianna but we doubt that is what we’ll be seeing.

We don’t exactly like Tamra. She can be a mean girl and that is a huge turn off for us. And we’re bored by her life’s mission of being “the hottest one.” We don’t care if she is or if she is not. We need more substance to our housewives. And it is not like Alexis has substance. Truth is we believe she is as empty and as shallow as they come. But we are amused by her sexpot Christianity. And we suspect her marriage is going to be rocked by her nascent independence which started to emerge during last season’s trip to Texas.

And Gretchen? Eh. She seems like a genuinely nice person, but we just cannot get into her romance with Slade. And we do not care even slightly about their comedy routine. We hope we’re wrong. We hope it is endlessly entertaining. And we hope there is something compelling about watching her try to launch Gretchen Christine Beauté and her handbag line.

Tags: featured, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Real Housewives of Orange County

Category: Alexis Bellino, Cynthia Bailey, Gretchen Rossi, Heather Dubrow, Kim Richards, Kyle Richards, Lisa Vanderpump, Marlo Hampton, Nene Leakes, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Real Housewives of Orange County, Russell Armstrong, Tamra Barney, Taylor Armstrong, Vicki Gunvalson