Say What? Interpreting The Housewives

(February 26, 2012) – I’ve had a characteristically nutty idea bouncing around my brain for months and today I finally decided it was okay to share this kooky idea for a blog post, because I think all blogs should be silly at times, especially those that deal with Housewives, who take themselves way too seriously. So here goes.

You know those opening tag lines Bravo uses at the beginning of each episode? The ones that each cast member utters as a way to encapsulate the essence of her character? Every time one of the housewives says one of them, I hear something completely different. So I figured it may be fun to consider how the ladies define themselves and then translate those words into what I imagine they really think about themselves.

Obviously I haven’t the slightest idea if my interpretations of these Bravo taglines are right. So please let me know what you hear when the ladies try to define themselves. Here’s how I would translate Housewives speak into common English.

NeNe Leakes
“I don’t keep up with the Joneses. I am the Joneses.”
(Seasons 1 and 2)
“I want to be someone important who is admired and emulated. And I want to rise above the problems I see in Haterville. That’s my way of overcoming an obstacle.”

“When I walk into a room, I own it!”
(Seasons 3 and 4)
“I’m bigger than Atlanta. Braggadocio is my way of establishing I am worth something.”

————–♦————–

Kim Zolciak
“In Atlanta, money and class do give you power.”
(Seasons 1 and 2)
“I don’t know what class is, but I think it’s a good thing.
I want Big Poppa to buy it for me.”

“People call me a gold digger, but they just want what I have.”
(Seasons 3 and 4)
“I am a gold digger and you wish you could be, too.”

————–♦————–

Shereé Whitfield
“People are intimidated by my success.”
(Seasons 1 and 2)
“I know people don’t like me and I’m worried that I don’t measure up. So to protect my fragile ego, I’ll ascribe jealousy to all women who don’t want to be my friend and I’ll kid myself that men don’t want to date me because they’re scared they don’t have enough money to gain my affection.”

 

“I like things that are elegant and sophisticated, just like me.”
(Seasons 3 and 4)
“I’m not sure who I am, and I’m definitely not going to show you any of my vulnerabilities. Instead I’ll try to present a flawless, soulless ideal of a proper woman. And I am banking on the idea that if I endlessly say that I am elegant and sophisticated, maybe someone will believe it.”

————–♦————–

Kandi Burruss
“I’m an independent woman doing it for myself.”
(Season 2)
“I am trying to enjoy my life, but it pisses me off that I do not have a man
who loves me and my daughter, Riley.”

“I have fame and fortune, and I’ve earned it.”
(Seasons 3 and 4)
“Look, I may be on a Reality TV show with some high strung women,
but I’ve had real success, unlike my histrionic cast mates.”

————–♦————–

Phaedra Parks
“I’m the ultimate southern belle. I get what I want.”
(Seasons 3 and 4)
“I am a steel magnolia. I am sweet and want to be treated like a lady, and I will force my will on you (with sugar talk) when necessary.”

——–——♦————–

Cynthia Bailey
“I know how to work it and be seen.”
(Seasons 3 and 4)
“The most important thing to me is that you notice my appearance. This is what I have relied upon during all of my adult life and I don’t intend to change anytime soon.”

 

Vicki Gunvalson
“I don’t want to get old.”
(Season 1)
“I live in a world where everyone wants to look like Pamela Anderson and gain access to the Playboy mansion. With each passing year that becomes more unlikely.”

“Here’s to not being fake.”
(Season 2)
“I have something the other women do not have. I add another dimension to the Orange County world because I am real and authentic.”

“Everything’s got to be huge, large, and grand.”
(Season 3)
“I may be getting older, but I can control my own destiny by trying to make insurance seem sexy.”

“I want the power and the money, and I want them both.”
(Season 4)
“I am having the female equivalent of a guy’s midlife crisis. I may be losing interest in my marriage, but I am gaining the ability to define myself better by not focusing any energy on being Donn’s wife.”

“I love my family, I love my work, I love my life.”
(Season 5)
“I’m freaking out. I want to believe I have it all because I have found professional success. And happiness is now in the equation, but Donn is not.”

“I make my own money and I make my own rules.”
(Season 6)
“Donn can go suck it. I have achieved a level of power and success
and now I am feeling macho, by flexing those muscles.”

“My tank is full, and I’m driving into my future.”
(Season 7)
“Donn is but a distant memory now that I’m getting a little sugar on the side from Brooks. He may wear Crocs back home, but he’s filling my tank with greeting cards just because he appreciates my NasCar machismo. I left Donn in the dust long ago.”

————–♦————–

Tamra Vieth-Barney
“I’m the hottest housewife in Orange County.”
(Season 3)
“I define myself by being in the T&A Pamela Anderson world.
My reality is a big wet t-shirt contest.”

“I am not the new girl anymore, so watch out.”
(Season 4)
“I’m threatened by the other women. And the game is on.
My life is now a competitive wet t-shirt contest. And I’m ready to bring on the drama, guns blazing.”

“Housewives come younger, but they don’t come hotter.”
(Season 5)
“Gretchen is pissing me off. How dare she come on this show with that young butt?”

“I’m done being a trophy wife; Freedom only makes me hotter.”
(Season 6)
“I’m not into Vicki and her self sufficiency mantra. Now that Simon is gone,
I am going to be one-dimensional and do body shots with both men and women.”

“I call the shots in my life now, and I have good aim.”
(Season 7)
“I’m going to redefine myself but when I start to say ‘I am,’ I don’t have a predicate for that sentence.
Because I don’t know what I want, when I take aim, I shoot for nothing and that’s what I get.”

————–♦————–

Gretchen Rossi
“I love the bling, I love the jewelery, I love it all.”
(Season 4)
“I am positive. I love beautiful things and I want to have a sparkly life like the one I imagined when I was a little girl.”

“I’m smart, I’m sexy, and I’m confident. Of course people are going to talk about me.”
(Season 5)
“I’m so tired of these bitches talking about me. I am smart. I am not a gold digger. I loved Jeff.”

“Happiness means never having to apologize for being me.”
(Season 6)
“I like myself. Fuck you Tamra and Vicki.”

“Don’t call me a princess, call me the boss.”
(Season 7)
“You mistook me for being a bimbo, but I’m going to make some money out of this adventure. Unlike Tamra, I’m the newfangled kind of hot girl. I’m going to figure out how to cash in on Reality TV fame just like Bethenny.”

————–♦————–

Alexis Bellino
“Am I high maintenance? Of course I am, Look at me.”
(Season 5)
“I have T&A and a sculpted body, but I am not passive. It takes alot of work to look this way.”

“God is my savior, my husband is my king, and my body is sinful.”
(Season 6)
“I’m not just a good Christian girl, I want you to call me a sex pot.”

“I thank God everyday for my life, and you would too.”
(Season 7)
“Jim is a tool & a douchebag, but I’m happy.”

————–♦————–

Heather Dubrow
“I may be married to a plastic surgeon, but I’m 98% real.”
(Season 7)
“I define myself in terms of my husband and my face. I am superficial and I am a phony, but I do not respect superficiality.”

All photos are courtesy of BravoTV.com, unless otherwise indicated.

Tags: Alexis Bellino, Cynthia Bailey, featured, Gretchen Rossi, Heather Dubrow, Housewives Speak, Kandi Burruss, Kim Zolciak, Nene Leakes, Phaedra Parks, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Real Housewives of Orange County, Sheree Whitfield, Tamra Barney, Vicki Gunvalson

Category: Alexis Bellino, Cynthia Bailey, Gretchen Rossi, Heather Dubrow, Kandi Burruss, Kim Zolciak, Nene Leakes, Phaedra Parks, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Real Housewives of Orange County, Sherée Whitfield, Tamra Barney, Vicki Gunvalson